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מילתא דבדוחתא

158 פאסטס אין ארכיוו · אשכול #737888
בלאט: 1 2 3 4

טובעין » 9/10/2005 18:50

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily
briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian
soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the President sits, head in
hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is
a brazillion?"

Nusen » 28/10/2005 13:37

One Nation, "Under G-d"


One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was
going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?



TOMMY: Yes.


TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?


TOMMY: Yes.


TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.


TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.


TEACHER: Did you see G-d?


TOMMY: No.


TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see G-d because he isn't there. He
just doesn't exist.


A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.


The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:


Tommy, do you see the tree outside?


TOMMY: Yes.


LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?


TOMMY: Yessssss!


LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?


TOMMY: Yessssss!


LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?


TOMMY: Yes.


LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?


TOMMY: No.


LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school,
she must not have one!


(You Go Girl!)

טובעין » 9/11/2005 01:05



President Bush May Send Up To 5 Marines For French Assistance
Broken News ^ | 11/4/05 | Shelby Trial

President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little pissants. "Hell, if the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now", said Bush. Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few women marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.

President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our marines out of there as soon as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The least they stand out the better.

In an unrelated matter, President Bush told reporters that he was considering a "Flu for Oil" Program to ease our country's energy problem and prevent the upcoming pandemic. Nobody had a clue as to what the hell he was talking about.

Nusen » 13/11/2005 07:28

יעצט באקומען אין אימייל, זייער אינטרעסאנט

Dear tech support

Last year I upgraded from girlfriend 7.0 to wife, 1.0. I soon noticed, that the new program began an unexpected child proccessing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into other programs and now monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep wife 1.0 in the backgroud while atttempting to run any favorite application. I'm thinking about going back to girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on wife 1.0

Please help!
Thanx,
A troubled user.

REPLY..

Dear troubled user,

This is a very comon problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by it's creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0 It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.
Look in your wife 1.0 manual under Warnings, Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the backgroud application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter commandC.-/APOLOGISE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, cook 1.5 and do bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs, Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5, Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

WARNING!!!!

DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

טובעין » 19/12/2005 20:40

HASIDIC JEW
A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Hasidic Jew replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

כשריקע » 19/12/2005 20:53

טובעין,


טובעין » 20/1/2006 03:39

Joe Smith started the day early having set his
alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.AMERICA.....

טובעין » 3/3/2006 00:22

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and
Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are
going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from
car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon"

תוקן על ידי - טובעין - 03/03/2006 1:01:32

jewboy » 6/3/2006 12:31

ןזאלב וצ ןביוהעגנא ןבאה דנאלשטייד ןיא ןעוו עשיטימעסיטנא

ןטניוו ןדיא ןגעק , א ןיא ןגנאגעג ןיירא בר א זיא סטאטש - ןטראג יז ך

רעמייב יד רעטנוא ןרעטפילוצסיוא .

פּעשטעגוצ ךיז טאה ןוא טימעסיטנא רענעסיבראפ א םהיא וצ טע

רעגניפ ןייז טימ ןזיוועג םהיא , טפירשפיוא יד טימ לוואט א ףיוא :

" ד ןיא ןעמוק וצ ןיירא ןטאבראפ זיא טנוה ראפ ןוא ןדיא ראפ םע

ןטראג !"

בר רעד טגאז : ס יוו ' סיוא טהעז , ןזומ רימ עדייב םעד ןזאלראפ

ןטראג . ..

worldwar » 6/3/2006 19:25

Jack was coming out of shul one day, and the rabbi was standing at the door as he always did to shake hands. The rabbi grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The rabbi said to him, "You need to join the Army of HaShem!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of HaShem, Rabbi." The rabbi questioned, "How come I almost never see you except at Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?!" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

טובעין » 15/3/2006 22:12

<* style="PADDING-LEFT: 5px; MARGIN-LEFT: 5px; BORDER-LEFT: blue 2px solid">
Can't eat Beef, Mad cow disease
Can't eat chicken . bird flu
Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella
Can't eat fish ... heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides
Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
Remember - - -
"STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.
Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10
pounds.
(If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.)
"That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."
 

meshug » 5/4/2006 01:04

THE CONVERT

 Shmulik, a religious Jew as well as a financial genius, left Brooklyn for a job as CFO of a well known brokerage firm in Utah (which is known as the Mormon state).

 

The pressure on the company president from the directors was immense: "We can't have a Jew running the business - we're religious Mormons here," they said.

 

The president took Shmulik aside for a talk and explained unequivocally that he would have to convert if he wanted to hold on to his honorable (not to mention 6-figure-earning) position. Shmulik had no choice. However difficult it might be to convert, it was less difficult than losing this great job. He went home and told his wife, "It's simple. From this Sunday on we'll be going to church with the kids".

 

So passed a good few months, but his wife wouldn't stop nagging him, saying, "It's so difficult for me, I miss Sabbath, lighting candles, kiddush, festivals...you know money isn't everything, Shmulik"

 

The more she nagged him, the more Shmulik's conscience bothered him too. Finally, he'd had enough. He went back to the president of the company and said "Listen, I can't go on like this, my guilt is eating me up inside. Money isn't everything. I can't even sleep at night, and neither can my wife. It's too much for me - I was born a Jew, and I want to die a Jew. If you want me to quit, I'll leave without making a fuss."

 

The president looked at him in amazement and said "Listen Samuel, [that's what they called him in Utah], I had no idea it was so tough for you. I figured changing religions would be a simple thing.  You've been a great asset to the company. We need you here. Stay Jewish as you wish. Don't worry, I'll take care of the rest".

 

Shmulik went home with a thrill in his heart and a spring in his step. He ran to his wife (who was on the couch ) and said "Tzipporah, you won't believe it, a miracle happened! We're going back to being Jews, and it's OK! I talked to my boss and he's letting me keep my job!"

 

Tzippy (that's what they called her in Brooklyn) looked at him with eyes spitting fire and said "Tell me, ARE YOU NUTS!!!!!

 

Shmuel looked at her in shock. But...but I thought that was what you wanted all along, what you were crying to me about day and night. What? You don't want to go back to being Jewish?"

 

Tzippy looked even more upset and said "Of course I do - BUT NOW?!?!?! TWO WEEKS BEFORE PESACH?!?!?!?"

בענעדיקט16 » 5/4/2006 02:13

יוא די דזשאוק איז אזוי אלט... איך האב עס געהערט אויף די פריץ מיטן מאשקע.

טובעין » 27/4/2006 23:04

In *:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Lakewood they are investigating the possibility of being mevatel Cherem Derabbeinu Gershom. They've come to the conclusion that one wife just isn't enough to support a family!

טובעין » 7/8/2006 23:33

you  find out interesting things when you have sons, like
 
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

jewboy » 3/10/2006 09:38

Q. why are nushim putor from a mitzvas eseh shehazman gruma?
 A. becuase they are never ready on time.

Baachi » 3/10/2006 23:11

פארוואס האבן לעצטנס  אידענעס גימאכט א "לשון הרע שעה" ? ווען מרעדט נישט קיין שום לשון הרע (נאר אויפ האזבענד)

זיי ווילען מאכן לשון הרע א מצות עשה שהזמן גרמא!

טאמער איר האט שוין געהערט, זייט איהר פטור פון לאכן.

ווילי_יונג » 3/10/2006 23:21

A fly in a cup of coffee.

What happens when a fly is found in a coffee cup depends on who found it.

American: Throws away the cup of coffee.
Brit: Removes the fly and drinks the coffee.
Chinese: Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
Japanese: Drinks the coffee along with the fly since the latter is a
free benefit.
Isra*:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />eli: Sells the coffee to a Brit and the fly to a Chinese and buys
a new  coffee.
Palestinian: Throws the fly into the coffee, then blames Israel.
Requests financial assistance from the United Nations to buy more coffee.
Takes a loan from the European Union for a new coffee. Uses the money to
buy  explosives. Afterwards, blows up the cafe where the Brit, the American, the
Chinese and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli why the
Palestinian is justified in being so angry.*:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

שמעק_טאביק » 4/10/2006 20:17

A fly in a cup of coffee

What happens when a fly is found in a coffee cup? Depends on who found it.

American: Throws away the cup of coffee.
Brit: Removes the fly and drinks the coffee.
Chinese: Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
Japanese: Drinks the coffee along with the fly, since the latter is a free benefit.
Israeli: Sells the coffee to a Brit and the fly to a Chinese and buys a new  coffee.
Palestinian: Throws the fly into the coffee, then blames Israel; Requests financial assistance from the United Nations to buy more coffee; Takes a loan from the European Union for a new coffee. Uses the money to buy explosives. Afterwards, blows up the cafe where the Brit, the American, the Chinese and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli why the Palestinian is justified in being so angry.

jewboy » 10/10/2006 12:38

Families are like chocklates some sweet and some are nuts.

טובעין » 12/10/2006 00:56

 

The  'L I T T L E'  things[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]

[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]

      As you might know,

the head of a company survived
9/11 because his son started kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was
his turn to bring donuts.
One woman was late because her
alarm clock didn't go off in time.
One was late

due to: being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
because of an auto accident.


One of them
missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes

and had to take 

 time to change.
One's
car wouldn't start.

Another went back to
answer the telephone.
One had a
child that dawdled
  and didn't get ready

as soon as he should have.
One couldn't
get a taxi.

        The one that struck me was the man

who put on a new pair of shoes that morning, 

took the various means to get to work 
  but before he got there, he developed 
  a blister on his foot.

He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
      That is why he is alive today.
[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]

  Now when I am
  stuck in traffic,
            miss an elevator,
      turn back to answer a ringing telephone...
  all the little things that annoy me.
         I think to myself,
  this is exactly where
         
           God wants me to be
  at this very moment..
[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]
  Next time your morning seems to be
  going wrong,
   
  the children are slow getting dressed,
    you can't seem to find the car keys,
            you hit every traffic light,
  don't get mad or frustrated;
      God is at work watching over you.
[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]
    May God continue to bless you
  with all those annoying little things
    and may you remember their possible purpose.
[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]
  Pass this on to someone else, if you'd like.
         There is NO LUCK attached.
         If you delete this, it's okay: 
God's Love Is Not Dependent On  E-Mail !!
[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]    (that's the cool part) [בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]
         AMEN
[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]

Faith, Family, and Friends, ...all else is secondary.

take time to THANK GOD FOR ALL 3 DAILY.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

jewboy » 13/10/2006 00:22

Big siyem m' sikah today in monroe, start m' malkos finish till shmini atzeres  Ha Ha

jewboy » 12/11/2006 12:36

LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
> >
> >San Diego, California...
> >
> >A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the
> driver that because he
> >had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won
> $5,000 in the statewide
> >safety competition for drivers chosen at random.
> >
> >
> >
> >"What are you going to do with the money?" asked
> the
> >policeman.
> >
> >"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's
> license," he answered.
> >"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the
> passenger seat.
> >
> >"He's a smart aleck when he's drunk.
> >
> >"This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one
> look at
> >the cop and moaned," I knew we wouldn't get far in
> a stolen car."
> >
> >At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk
> and a voice
> >said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

jewboy » 12/11/2006 12:42

Saddam got a choice how 2 get killed:  1)getting hung  2)using internet cu'z "INTERNET IZ A ZICHERE TOIT"

jewboy » 12/11/2006 12:45

A boss is like a pamper always on your a** and usually full of s***0

jewboy » 12/11/2006 17:19

[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]

jewboy » 19/11/2006 11:50

The Maid in a Jewish Home"
>
>A French-Canadian from a remote Quebec village came to work as
>cook-housemaid
>in a Montreal Jewish home. When she came home for leave, her relatives
>asked her what kind of people the Jews were.
>
>"The Jews are rather nice. They are always most polite to me, give me
>presents, pay
>for medical help for me. Really, no complaints whatsoever. Only they have
>strange holidays.
>
>"They have a holiday named Shabbat, when they eat in the dining room and
>smoke in the toilet"
>
>"Then they have a holiday called Tisha Be'Av which is a reminder of their
>great Temple
>which was destroyed in Biblical times. They smoke in the dining room but
>eat in the toilet."
>
>"And they have a holiday named Yom Kippur when they both eat and smoke in
>the toilet."

jewboy » 20/11/2006 22:22

Why is there no Wall-mart in Iraq?
Because there is a Target on every corner...!!

jewboy » 10/12/2006 18:34

Y"T Kislev: Lipa Schmeltzer has been called 2 Labavitcher Rabbe's grave 2 sing "Abi Men Laybt...

jewboy » 10/12/2006 18:36

what do you give an elephant who has diariah ???
A LOT OF ROOM !!!!!

jewboy » 10/12/2006 18:54

I've got this thing in the car that tells you when you are going too fast or you have taken the wrong turn.   It's called       the wife.

jewboy » 10/12/2006 18:57

You like dumb is who person retarded another to it send now, this read to trying time sweet your took you. (now read backwards)

jewboy » 11/12/2006 19:15

A Gabbai approaches a guest in the shul and says, "I want to give you an Aliyah. What is your name?"

The man answers, "Esther bas Moshe."

The Gabbai says, "No, I need your name."

"It's Esther bas Moshe," the man says.

"How can that be your name?"

The man answers, "I've been having serious financial problems, so everything is in my wife's name."

jewboy » 24/12/2006 07:11

The pilot said to the passengers merry cristmas to all of u sitting and happy channuka to all of u standing

jewboy » 24/12/2006 07:12

 Husband (2 wife): After my 120 please bury me in Macy's parking lot. Wife: Why?!? Husband: So you'll visit me often!

jewboy » 24/12/2006 07:13

 If you need advice, text me .
If you need a friend, call me.
If you need me, come to me .
If you need money.
THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE R

jewboy » 24/12/2006 07:17

J
 n J
 N n J
 l K N l K N   l N n J

jewboy » 24/12/2006 07:17

Please wait while your brain is examined  10%....... 32%....... 81%........ 99%........ Sorry brain not found!

jewboy » 24/12/2006 13:16

21-st Century... :   

Our communication - Wireless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our  food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very  less
Our Future - Hopeless!

Have a good day, with LESS problems

jewboy » 31/12/2006 13:12

מי שנוחר חזק מבני הזוג, הוא זה שיירדם ראשון"

"את הצעצוע הכי יקר שתקנו לילד הוא יאהב הכי פחות"


"ככל שתגיעו מוקדם יותר יותר לשדה התעופה, יהיה איחור גדול יותר בטיסה"


"ככל שהבגדים שלכם יפים ויקרים יותר גדול הסיכוי שהם יתלכלכו בארוחה"


"את המחמאות הכי גדולות תקבלו על המאכל שבהכנתו השקעתם הכי מעט זמן"


"ככל שהמגזינים בחדר ההמתנה לרופא משעממים יותר, יארך זמן ההמתנה"

"כל אבן שתכנס לנעל שלכם תצליח למצוא את הדרך לנקודה הכי כואבת"


"בדיוק לאחר שהדיילת מגישה כוס קפה מלאה, המטוס נקלע לכיס אויר"


"מכונה שהתקלקלה תפעל בצורה מושלמת עם בוא הטכנאי"


"רק לאחר שגזזנו את הציפורניים נגלה שאנו זקוקים להן"


"המוצג המעניין ביותר במוזיאון יחסר בד"כ תווית זיהוי"


"בצרור מפתחות - המפתח הנחוץ הוא תמיד המפתח האחרון"


"פרוסה מרוחה תמיד תיפול על הצד המרוח"

"אל תחפש את עצמך אתה עלול להתאכזב"


"אתה תזכה בלוטו יום אחרי ההלוויה שלך"


"אל תיקח את החיים ברצינות, לא תצא מזה בחיים

jewboy » 31/12/2006 13:18

מכתב מאבא

בני יקירי,

ביום שאזדקן ולא אהיה יותר מי שאני, אזור נא סבלנות ונסה להבין אותי.

כאשר אשפוך אוכל על חולצתי ואשכח איך לרכוס את נעלי, זכור את השעות שביליתי ללמדך איך עושים את אותם הדברים.

אם אחזור על עצמי על אותן מלים שאתה יודע בעל פה את סיומן, אל תפסיק אותי והקשב לי. כשהיית קטן, על מנת שתירדם נאלצתי לספר לך אלפי פעם את אותו סיפור, עד שעצמת את עיניך הקטנות.....

כשנהיה ביחד ובלי כוונה אעשה את צרכי, אל תתבייש ותבין שאינני אשם, כי כבר איני שולט עליהם. תחשוב רק כמה פעמים בילדותך עזרתי לך ובסבלנות המתנתי עד שתסיים.

אל תגער בי בגלל שלא ארצה להתרחץ, אל תנזוף בי בגלל זה. זכור את הרגעים שרדפתי אחריך ואת אלפי התירוצים שהמצאתי על מנת להנעים לך את הרחצה.

קבל אותי וסלח לי, כי עכשיו הילד זה אני.
 

כשתראה אותי חסר תועלת ובור מול כל המוצרים הטכנולוגים שלא אוכל עוד להבין, אני מתחנן בפניך שתיתן לי את כל הזמן שיידרש על מנת שלא תפגע בי בחיוך הלעגני שלך. זכור שהייתי זה שלימד אותך הרבה דברים שאז הדהימו אותך. אני לימדתי אותך לאכול, להתלבש - והחינוך שקיבלת כדי שתוכל להתמודד עם החיים בצורה הטובה שהנך עושה זאת, הם תוצאה של השקידה, מאמצי ואהבתי אליך.

כשבהזדמנות כלשהי במהלך שיחתנו אשכח על מה אנחנו מדברים, תן לי כל הזמן שיידרש עד שאזכר, ואם אינני מצליח אל תלעג לי "אולי מה שדברתי לא היה חשוב" הסתפק בכך שתאזין לדברי.

אם פעם לא ארצה לאכול, אל תפציר בי, אני יודע כמה מותר לי וכמה אסור, תבין גם שעם הזמן אין לי כבר שיניים וחסר לי חוש הטעם כדי לטעום.

וכשייכשלו רגלי ללכת כי הן עייפות, הושט לי את ידך הרכה על מנת שאשען, כפי שעשיתי זאת אתך כשהתחלת ללכת עם רגליך הקטנטנות כשהיו עדיין חלשות. 
 

ולבסוף, כשבאחד הימים תשמע אותי אומר שאיני רוצה לחיות יותר ואני רוצה למות, אל תכעס. מפני שלזה אין כל קשר לחיבתך או לכמה שאני אוהב אותך, נסה להבין שאני לא חי עוד אלא שורד וזה לא אותו הדבר.

תמיד רציתי בשבילך את הטוב ביותר והכנתי עבורך את הנתיבים בהם ידעת לנוע, חשוב שעם הצעד שאני מקדים לעשות, אסלול למענך עוד נתיב בזמן אחר.... אבל תמיד אתך.

אל תרגיש עצוב או חסר אונים בגלל שאינך רואה אותי כפי שהייתי קודם. תן לי את לבך, הבן אותי ותמוך בי כפי שעשיתי כשהתחלת לחיות. מתחנן אני שתלווה אותי בדרך לסיום הנתיב שלי.

תן לי אהבה וסבלנות כי אחזיר לך תודה וחיוכים בשילוב עם האהבה העצומה שאני חש כלפיך.
שלך באהבה - אבא

jewboy » 5/1/2007 09:55

Avrum asks Chaim why he keeps his checkbook under his pillow. Chaim said because that is the only time my checks are covered!

עיניםטובות » 23/2/2007 23:01

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.   As he sits  down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to  him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is  incredible," said the man.  "Who in their right  mind would have  a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the  world, and not use it?"
 
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to  me.  I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.  This  is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in  1967."
 
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.  That's terrible.    But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a   neighbor to take the
seat?" The man shakes his head.  "No, they're  all at the funeral."

 

_________________

טוב עין הוא יבורך

jewboy » 25/3/2007 18:28

Scene: Breslov & Brisker Roommates in Yeshiva

Breslover: Na
Brisker: Sh
Breslover: Nach
Brisker: Sh Sh

Breslover: Nachman
Brisker: Sh Sh Sh

Breslover: Nachman Meuman
Brisker: Sh Sh Sh Shemaaaaaaa

jewboy » 26/3/2007 20:41

Raffel at a school party last week
 
a school made a party,
one of the things they raffled off was a free Goite for a week before pesach... a Bucher from Kasho won

worldwar » 28/3/2007 03:12

three things bain hazmanim have in common with tisah beov 1 we go all day with slippers 2 we don't learn 3 we put tefilin at mincha

עיניםטובות » 1/4/2007 20:16

http://license.shorturl.com/


BLOCK YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE

This is upsetting, and thought I should pass it along. Check out your
driver's license online. Now you can see anyone's driver's license on
the Internet, including your own!  I just searched for mine and there
it was...picture and all!  My thanks to Homeland Security!

Privacy, where is our right to it? I definitely removed mine, and I
suggest you all do the same.....

Go to the website and check it out. Just  enter your name, City and
State to see if yours is on file. If your license comes on the screen,
click the box marked " Please Remove".  This will remove it from
public viewing, but not from law enforcement.

jewboy » 19/6/2007 00:24

[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]

jewboy » 18/7/2007 14:27

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jewboy » 18/7/2007 14:33

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