היידפארק — ארכיוו
זוך אין אלע ארכיוון
הויפט זייט » חדשות אנ"ש אין בילדער » מילתא דבדוחתא

מילתא דבדוחתא

158 פאסטס אין ארכיוו · אשכול #737888
בלאט: 1 2 3 4

jewboy » 24/6/2004 17:30

According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5764.
According to the Chinese calendar, the year is 4702.
That means that for 1,062 years, the Jews went without Chinese food

איןהכינמי » 1/7/2004 05:16

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together &
were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story
skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to
hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken
& they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to
get to their room.

Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony
of this unpleasant task by concentrating on some-
thing interesting.

I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for
the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories
for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim
began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing
& Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the
room key in the car!!!"

איןהכינמי » 1/7/2004 05:16

One summer evening, a 3-year-old came in while his parents were
setting the
table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His
mother
said, "No, but I appreciate your asking."

The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your saying no."

איןהכינמי » 1/7/2004 05:28

9-11 call


Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of
breath. ...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.....
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an
asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having
trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.

איןהכינמי » 1/7/2004 05:30

The captain of a Syrian Air Force transport flying over the
Mediterranean sends out a MAYDAY message:
"This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one
engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER
than Israel!" No answer.
A while later he announces, "This is Syrian Air Force#174again.
We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the
Middle East OTHER than Israel!" Silence.
A short while later the captain announces, "This is Syrian Air
Force
# 174. We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines an
urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle
East OTHER than Israel!" Still no answer. Finally the captain
calls out, "Help! This is Syrian Air Force # 174. We have only one
engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we
can
land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY
airport in the Middle East INCLUDING Israel!"
> Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit:
> "Shalom
> Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We
> would
> like to help."
>
> "Allah be praised," says the Syrian pilot. "Please gives me
> instructions."
>
> "Do you speak Hebrew?"
>
> "No"
>
> "OK, then repeat after me: Yisgadal Viyiskadash Shimay
> Rahbah......"

איןהכינמי » 1/7/2004 05:33

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door
to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at
lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop
and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the
wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an
invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'.
So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had
not bought anything from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you
should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to
present their side of the case.

The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits
outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating
his. It is clear that we are providing added value to
his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for
it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have
to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his
pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food
with the sound of my money."

ליכטיג » 12/7/2004 05:23



At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer
and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on
potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
"Will we have to fight in a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, it looks
like you will," answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade
General?" another
officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class is surprised, and finally one officer asks,
"But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they
are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not
the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the
Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 300 million
Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time." "But sir," asks
the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews

ליכטיג » 12/7/2004 05:27

goy asked Reb Moshe: "Why do Jews always answer
with a question?
Reb Moshe: Why not? And Why do you want to know?


אינגערמאן » 12/7/2004 05:29



A family just arrived in Canada as immigrants from Palestine. The first day the 10 years old kid, went to a school in Montreal, he was asked by the teacher to introduce himself He said :

-"I just arrived from Palestine, and my name is Ahmed.

"The teacher told him that this name doesn't properly fit with the newschool. She suggested changing his name to "Johnny" and the kid liked the new name.

When he went back home,his mother yelled :-"Ahmed, come and chat with me on your first day."The kid didn't answer...

His mother went to see why didn't he answer.He said: "My name is Johnny, not Ahmed anymore.

"Then his mother slapped him and left. The same story was repeated withies father. He didn't reply, thus he was slapped harder by his worried dad.

The second day when he went to the school, the teacher asked him :

-"What did you end up doing yesterday?" He said:

-"Can you believe it?

My first day as an immigrant in Canada, I was attacked by two Arab terrorists!



ליכטיג » 12/7/2004 05:42

.
[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]

ליכטיג » 12/7/2004 05:44

.
[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]

קרינסקי » 20/7/2004 05:06


In the Maramorosh section of Ukraine (formerly Hungary), a section
known for its megushimdige people, the old rabbi died and the town
hired a replacement rav. Two days after the new rabbi moved in,
one of the town people told his friends that he is going to the rabbi to
give him a taste of what this town is like.
The letz (funny megishem person) knocks on the rabbi's door. The
rabbi invites the person in, and asks him how can I help you? He
answers that he has 3 problems, and wants to discuss them
With the rabbi.
He starts with the first problem, lately he lost his ability to recognize
the taste of food, secondly he got in a very bad habit of lying, and
mamesh he can't get to say one true word, and finally lately his
memory is fading, in a half an hour he can forget everything.
The rabbi caught on that this guy is pulling his leg. He told him,
listen, come back in an hour and I'll see what I can do to help you. < BR>The
rabbi told his wife to go to the barn, pick up a few pieces of goat
dropping, fry them with onions and spices, and it should look
Presentable.
In an hour the guy returns, the rabbi welcomes him in, asks him to
Sit down. He turns to the rebetzin, why don't you bring in some food
for our guest. The person takes a mouthful, spits it out and
Exclaims, "ouch, this is goat manure."
The rabbi tells him, pretty good,
#1 you do have a normal taste for food,
#2 you do speak the truth, it is goat manure
#3 you will remember me for longer than half an hour.

איןהכינמי » 29/7/2004 23:14

I am in shape. Round is a shape.
*************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
***************************
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
***************************
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.
**************************
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone

shia550 » 13/8/2004 01:01

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong think out the window!"

shia550 » 14/8/2004 01:48

Fw: Funny brain cramps



Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but
we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign.
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
''! '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
just the one to do it," --A democratic congressional candidate in Texas.
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager,
Danny Ozark
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
'''''''''''''''''''
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
''''''''''

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee
Iacocca
'''''''''''
"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

''''''''''''''''''
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)
''''''''''''''''
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
''''''''''''''''''''''
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go
to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler,
FCC Chairman

jewboy » 18/10/2004 22:42


יעצט געהערט אויפן טעלעפאן.

וואס איז די חילוק צווישן די ארונים און פאלאסטינער?
די ארונים גייען אן בערד, די פאלאסטינער גייען מיט.


וואס איז די חילוק צווישן ר' אהרן און סאדאם?
ביידע זענען אינדער ערד, און זיי שרייען איך בין מלך (מושל)

mechel19 » 18/10/2004 22:53

ס'איז נישטא קיין חילוק צעווישן די זאלונים און די פאלאסטינער,
ביידע גייען מיט בערד,
ביידע האבן בלוטיגע הענט,
ביידע האבן א פארגעניגן צו שלאגן אידן,
ביידע שרייען אלץ אז זיי האבן געווינען,

satmar123 » 19/10/2004 18:44

מעכל19 יפה דברת!!!!

עפשטיין » 12/11/2004 05:57


A little Rabbi gets on a train. At the next stop a group of Priests
get on.
After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "Why does
everybody think that Jews are smarter than Gentiles?"
The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn't
want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists
and says that he wants to test the theory and make a bet.
The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi $1,000- if the Rabbi asks
him a question that he can't answer, and that the Rabbi should pay
him $1,000- if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can't
answer.
The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has $50- on him
to prepare for the Sabbath
The Priest says fine then we'll make it my $1,000 against your $50.
The Rabbi sees that he can't get out of this so he agrees but on one
condition: that he goes first.
The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following
question: "What kind of ani mal has the body of a Lion, the face of
a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on its
front legs and 5 webbed toes on its rear legs, swims under water and
flies in the air?"
The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn't know then asks
if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but
after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands $1000
over to the Rabbi.
He then asks the Rabbi, "What kind of animal was it?"
The Rabbi says "How should I know"? and gives him $50.00.

עפשטיין » 14/11/2004 05:00

אימתי קאתי מר לכשיפוצו מעינותיך חוצה.

The Baal Shem Tov wrote to his brother-in-law, "When I reached the
palace of the Messiah, I asked him, 'When will you come, sir?'"...

: I was sitting on the F-Train Motzei Shabbos, coming back from Boro
Park, going back to Queens,

: My mother was a little worried when I called her and said I'll be
taking the train alone at night, so I rolled up my payess, like I do
on the weekdays, even though I don't know what difference it makes
with my bekeshe and biber hitt,

: My father said not to get too caught up in davening or learning or
something, that I should be alert, so between vayiten lecha and
hamavdil I looked around.

: Across from me, slightly to the left, were a group of sophisticated
twenty-something hipsters (gasp! a mixed group! since one of them was
female), talking politely of how they were going to "an awesome
party", looking like they'll have some fun, when one of their Ana"sh
gets on, and they tell him to come with them, to this awesome party,
in . . . WILLIAMSBURG.

: Obviously they weren't going to any of the awesome parties I go to
in Williamsburg, I thought,

: Next to them, to my right, was an Oriental woman (sorry, I forgot
we don't say that anymore, an Asian woman - I always like those old
books that call Sefardim 'Oriental', but I digress) reading a book,
entitled. . . CHERNOBYL.

: Its just curious to me, as a chassidishe bachur, how, on the F-
Train Motzei Shabbos, from Boro Park back to Queens, that to the left
of me is a Williamsburg with no Teitelbaums and to the right a
Chernobyl with no Twerskys.

קרינסקי » 21/11/2004 07:28

4 רופאים: אנגלי, גרמני, רוסי וישראלי נפגשו והחלו להתפאר בהישגים המדעיים של כל מדינה.

אמר האנגלי:

אצלנו בבריטניה הרפואה כל כך מתקדמת שאפשר להוציא כליה מאדם אחד להעביר לאדם אחר ותוך ששה שבועות החולה שהבריא כבר מחפש עבודה.

אמר הגרמני:

אצלנו בגרמניה הרפואה כל כך מתקדמת שאפשר להוציא ריאה מאדם אחד להעביר לאדם אחר ותוך ארבעה שבועות החולה שהבריא כבר מחפש עבודה.

אמר הרוסי:

אצלנו ברוסיה הרפואה כל כך מתקדמת שאפשר להוציא חצי מהלב מאדם אחד להעביר לאדם אחר ותוך שבועיים שניהם כבר מחפשים עבודה.

אמר הישראלי:

תעזבו..אתם עוד רחוקים מאד מאתנו. אצלנו המדע כל כך מתקדם שאפשר לקחת איכר שמן עם מוח מוגבל מאיזו חווה נידחת בנגב, לשים אותו במשרד ראש הממשלה, ועכשיו כבר חצי מדינה מחפשת עבודה. ...........

.

jewboy » 29/12/2004 00:04

As the catering staff are clearing up after Benjyג€™s barmitzvah party, they notice that one of the gold spoons is missing ג€'' and itג€™s the one from where Rabbi Bloom sat. So they tell the hosts, Moshe and Sadie, of the disappearance.
"Can you believe it, Sadie?" says Moshe, "But how can we call our Rabbi a gonif? Weג€™ll just have to keep quiet about it."
12 months later, whilst out buying bagels one Sunday morning, Moshe finds himself next to his Rabbi.
"Moshe, Iג€™m glad weג€™ve met," says Rabbi Bloom, "whatג€™s the problem, why have you been avoiding me?"
Moshe replies, "Now that you ask, Rabbi, Iג€™ve been avoiding you ever since we discovered one of our gold spoons missing from Benjyג€™s party."
Rabbi Bloom says, "But why didnג€™t you ask me about this. I put the spoon in Benjyג€™s tefillin bag. He obviously hasnג€™t opened it since his barmitzvah day."

jewboy » 3/3/2005 13:59

חלוקת הש"ס תשס"ה

ברכות - הרב עובדיה

פיאה - הרב אלישיב

שבת - האדמו"ר מגור

עירובין - ויליאמסבורג

פסחים - אלבוים

חגיגה - פוניבז'

בכורות - ויזניץ

אבות - סקוירא

נדרים - אייכלר

ראש השנה - אודסר

כריתות - בצרי

גיטין - תולדות אהרן

כלאים - תולדות אברהם יצחק

מכות - סאטמר

jewboy » 13/3/2005 16:56

באקומען אין אימעיל.

א בחור וואס וועט געכאפט ווערן הערן רעדיא, וועט כאפען א פראסק אז ער וועט פליען ביז קראקע

jacket » 31/3/2005 04:03

yankel miller is vinching "arichas yumim" to "derleb" the machlokes in Belz

מאירקע » 31/3/2005 14:38

The picture is not doctored. It simply shows the result of
this great scam by a patriotic American. Most Syrians struggle
to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.

So, how does a group of Syrian protest leaders create the
most impact with their signs by having the standard "Death
To Americans" slogans printed in English?
Answer:
They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to
translate and write their statements into English.

Unfortunately, they were unaware that the "civilian"
insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired
US Army sergeant. Obviously, pictures of the protest rally
never made their way through the Arab TV network, but the
results were "Priceless."





[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]

עפל4סדר » 12/4/2005 18:06

א איד האט געבעטן פון באשעפער געב מיר בני אין מזוני
אבער חיי(דאס לעבן)וועל איך מיר אליין נעמען וד"ל

וואסענייעס » 12/4/2005 23:35

ווער עס מיינט אמת'דיג א טובה צו טוהן פאר אנדערע זאל זיין אזוי גיט און איבערטייטשן אלע זשאקס אויף אידיש מיט דאנק

גאסט » 14/4/2005 23:17

איך האב באקומען די פאלגענדע ווערטלעך אין אימעל עס איז אין עברית און א גרויס חלק האט מיט די שייטלעך פרשה. אבער ווען עס איז גוט איז עס גוט.
ליינטס און שמייכלט


• מתארגנת קבוצה ל "ראשית הגז" בהודו.. לפרטים:ועד הכשרות לעניני פאות..

• פסק דין: אסור לבעל להשתחוות לאישתו בזמן שהיא לובשת פאה!

• מתארגנת "חבורה" ליצור פאות שמורה משעת קצירה...

• על פי פסק הרבנים: אין לזרוק את הפאות למדורות ל"ג בעומר שמא יצא מזה עגל...

• מה כתוב על רנטיסי? נטחן לאחר הפסח.

• כל הכועס כאילו חבש פאה נכרית...

• שידוך הוא כמו חניה: הטובים תפוסים, הפנויים לנכים.

• "נתגלו נעלי עקב בכפר חבד מקורות יודעי דבר טוענים שאלו הן עיקבתא דמשיחא"

• מה מלמדים בישיבה? לפתוח דלת בלי מפתח, בירה בלי פותחן וגמרא בלי ללמוד

• מה משותף לחסיד גור ולאשתו? לשניהם פאות ארוכות!!!

• נישואים כמו זק"א בתחילה משי זהב אחר כך פיצוץ ולבסוף מגרדים את השאריות עם שפכטל.

• שאלו כמה חבר'ה איפה נמצא הלכות אישות ברמב"ם
החסיד ענה קדושה.
המזרוחניק ענה אהבה.
הליטאי ענה קנין.
היועץ נישואים ענה מדע.
והאלימים יותר ענו קרבנות.

• קיים חשש כבד שהאסלות תוצרת סין מקורם בלבנים שנשרפו לע"ז. לאור זאת פסקו הרבנים: שב ואל תעשה עדיף.

• בינה יתירה ניתנה באישה ?
בינה = מבין דבר מתוך דבר.
בינה יתירה = מבינה דבר מתוך כלום.

• מרציאנו בא למשרד הפנים והחליף את שמו למנדלוביץ, לאחר שבוע בא שוב וביקש להחליף ליעקובוביץ. שאלו אותו מה קרה?ענה: כל מקום שאני מגיע שואלים אותי: מה השם הקודם שלך?

• חסיד גור התלבט פעם ארוכות איך לברך ברכת "שלא עשני אשה". איך אפשר להוציא מהפה את המילה "אשה"?
בסוף הוא החליט שמהיום והלאה הוא יברך "שלא עשני כרצונו"...

• ומה הר"ת של תשס"ד ? ת'קנה ש'ייטל ס'ינטטי ד'חוף

• בעיה חדשה: הפלומבות לאשור הפיאות עשויות מעגילים של הודים!

• מדריכי חתנים לחתנים טריים:
כלל א' אם יש ג'וק בבית חייבים להרגו מייד
כלל ב' אסור לעבור על רצפה רטובה לאחר השטיפה
אם יש ג'וק וכדי להרגו צריך לעבור על רצפה רטובה מה עושים?
יהרג ואל יעבור

• אסור לאכול בשר מהודו,
אסור לחבוש פאה מהודו,
אסור להתחיל את התפלה מהודו.

• "מתחילה עובדי עבודה זרה היו אבותינו". עכשיו גם אמותינו.

• חסידי גור:אין צורך להוריד את הפאות! אפשר להשאירם מתחת לכיפה.

• באו לחסידי חב"ד ואמרו להם: "השמעתם, חסידים? הפאות נאסרו כליל". בחב"ד, כידוע, הקפידו שהנשים תחבושנה דווקא פאות.
אמרו החב"דניקים: "לא נוכל לשנות. אצלנו הקפידו כל השנים על פאה בדווקא"
תמהו הסובבים: "והלא חשש עבודה זרה בכאן?"
"טוב, תראו", השיבו החב"דניקים, "על פאות הקפידו אצלנו. על עבודה-זרה לא הקפידו"...

• התימנים שמחים, כשהם הגיעו לארץ גזזו להם את הפאות, עכשיו גוזזים לאשכנזים את הפאות...

• סערה בגאולה, בריסקער שרף את אשתו כי היא בסיס לדבר אסור.

• עובדת סוציאלית מגיעה לבית פרסי לבדוק אותו, היא רואה את התינוק הולך עם טיטול שכמעט מגיע לרצפה מחמת כובדו. היא שואלת את האמא, "למה את לא מחליפה לו את הטיטול?" עונה האמא: "כתיב על האריזה בין 5-14 ק:ג..."

• על הנשים להוציא את הפאה מהראש. ועל הגברים להוציא את הראש מהפאה!

אייןסאטמאר » 20/4/2005 18:57

A man came to the rabbi. "Rabbi, my wife drives me nuts, I can't live
with her anymore."

"Ok," says the Rabbi, "you have to get
divorced."

"But Rabbi," cried the man, "I love her so much."

"So stay together," said the rabbi.

"But everytime I come home we start
fighting, it can't go on this way!"

"So get divorce."

"But what about the kids? I can't live
without my children."

"So stay together," said the rabbi.

"But our common life is a hell," said the man.

"You know what?" said the Rabbi, "become a Christian."

The man was shocked. "WHAT???? How will it solve the problem??"

"It won't," answered the Rabbi, "but then you'll drive some priest
nuts."


גאסט » 10/5/2005 22:11


One Nation, "Under G-d"


One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see G-d?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see G-d because he isn't there. He just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No.

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

(You Go Girl!)

Don't forget to pass this on! I love this one.

jewboy » 11/5/2005 14:43

שרה, אַן עלטערע פרוי גייט צו צו אַ פרױ וואָס שטייט ביי אַן אויטאָבוס-סטאָפּ אין אַ יידישע געגנט, זי ציט איר ביים אַרבל און פרעגט: "פאַרשטייסט יידיש?". די פֿרױ ענטפערט איר "יאָ, איך פאַרשטיי." שמייכלט שרה צופרידן און פרעגט איר : "וואָט טיים איז יט?"

jewboy » 11/5/2005 14:46

דער חלום

משה דערצײַלט זײַן פּסיכיײַטרקע׃- "איך האָב געהאַט אַ משוגהנעם חלום. איך האָב געזען מײַן מוטער און זי האָט געהאַט דײַן פּנים. איך האָב זיך אױפֿגעװעקט און נישט געקענט װידער אײַנשלאָפֿן. איך בין געלעגן און זיך געדרײַט אין בעט ביז זיבן אַזײַגער אין דער פֿרי. דאַן בין איך אױפֿגעשטאַנען, געגעסן אַ שטיקעלע ברױט, גענומען אַ שלונג קאַװע און איך בין געקומען גלײַך דאָ צו דיר. איך בין זײער אױפֿגערודערט. קענסטו אױסטײַטשן מײַן חולם?"

פֿאַרטראַכט זיך די פּסיכיאַטרקע און ענטפֿערט אים׃- "אײַן שטיקעלע ברױט און אַ שלונג קאַװע? דאָס הײסט בײַ דיר פֿרישטיק?!"

לכה_דודי » 12/5/2005 01:34

יהודי אחד מגיע לשמים בשעות הערב..
המלאך בשער בודק במחשב וקובע שהוא הולך לגיהינום.
תראה, אתה הולך לגיהינום, אבל אתה יכול לבחור. יש לנו גיהינום של אנגלים, גיהינום של צרפתים וגיהינום של יהודים. במה תבחר?
מה ההבדל ביניהם?
המלאך פותח לו דלת לאולם אחד שבו יושבים המון צרפתים במסעדה מפוארת, שותים יין טוב, אוכלים אוכל צרפתי משובח ובאופן כללי נהנים מהחיים. אז מה כאן הגיהינום, הוא שואל?
כל בוקר בשמונה בדיוק הם נכנסים לשמן רותח וניצלים שם עד שעה חמש. אח"כ הם מתלבשים ויוצאים לבלות כרצונם. למחרת שוב שמן רותח מ 8 עד 5 וכך הלאה.
אח"כ המלאך פותח דלת שניה ושם יושבים המוני אנגלים בפאב, שותים בירה ושרים ונהנים. ומה כאן אצל האנגלים הוא שואל? כל יום משעה 8 ועד השעה 5 הם ניצלים בשמן רותח ואח"כ מתלבשים, מתרחצים ויוצאים לבלות כרצונם. למחרת שוב מ 8 ועד 5 שמן רותח...
לבסוף הוא פותח דלת שלישית ושם יש המון יהודים, כולם מתפללים, בוכים מטיחים את ראשיהם בקיר, מתייסרים, צמים ובאופן ברור לא נהנים. ומה סדר היום הוא שואל? משעה 8 ועד 5 שמן רותח ואח"כ צום ותפילות ויסורים עד הלילה. למחרת שוב מ 8 ועד 5 .
הבחירה קשה מאוד אומר היהודי למלאך. מה היית בוחר אתה אילו היית במקומי?
.......
אני, אם הייתי במקומך, הייתי בוחר בגיהינום היהודי, אומר המלאך.
ביהודי דווקא? למה?
אצל היהודים שמונה זה לא שמונה, חמש זה לא חמש והשמן לא בדיוק רותח...


A_Jew » 13/5/2005 02:08

Statistics show that there are more accidents per year with vehicles travelling at 50mph than 100 mph. Also, there are more accidents by sober people than heavily drunk ones. Furtheremore, more accidents occur in bright weather than in heavy fog

Consequently, the safest way to get from A-B is by driving at 100mph, in heavy fog, while you're very drunk

selish » 15/5/2005 14:40




יציאת השבת: האישה העירומה והתפוח



סיפור שמסתובב ברשת האינטרנט ונשלח על ידי הקוראת ל' היקרה, מספר על האלטרנטיבה למשמרות הצניעות.

"זו היתה שעת צהריים. סיימתי כמה סידורים נחוצים בעיר והתחלתי לצעוד חזרה בדרך לביתי. פסעתי בנחת לאורך הרחוב המרכזי בעיר, נהנה מהשמש החמימה של סוף האביב. הגעתי לתחנת האוטובוס שהיה אמור לקחת אותי לאזור מגוריי, והתיישבתי על הספסל בהמתנה.

"סקרתי בעיניי את שאר העומדים בתחנה. ישבה שם גברת עם סלים גדושים במצרכי מזון, נראית כאילו היא חוזרת מהקנייה השבועית בשוק, זוג מבוגר בגיל העמידה, אישה צעירה עם תינוק בעגלה ועוד שני חיילים. כולם ממתינים, כמוני, לאוטובוס שיגיע.

כעבור שתי דקות הגיעה לתחנה בחורה צעירה. לא אתאר לכם אותה, אך אומר רק דבר אחד - כנראה צניעות לא היתה בדיוק הצד החזק שלה. היא היתה יותר לא לבושה מאשר לבושה‭...‬ היא נעמדה לצד התחנה, ממתינה גם היא לאוטובוס. הוצאתי מתיקי את העיתון והתחלתי לעיין בו. מזווית העין קלטתי פתאום דמות מתקרבת מרחוק, לבושה בשחור. חלפו עוד כמה שניות עד שאותו אדם התקרב לתחנה, וממבט מקרוב הוא התגלה כחרדי, לבוש במעיל שחור ארוך וכובע, וזקן שחור מעטר את פניו.

"הוא הגיע אל התחנה, העיף מבט אל העומדים שם ועיניו נתקלו בבחורה. הוא השפיל את מבטו וצעד שני צעדים לאחור. הוא ניגש אל מאחורי התחנה ונכנס אל חנות ירקות ופירות שהיתה שם. 'כנראה הוא מעדיף להמתין שם לאוטובוס כדי לא להיכשל במראות לא צנועים‭,'‬ חשבתי לעצמי, אך למרבה ההפתעה הוא יצא משם כעבור דקה אחת בלבד, אוחז בידו תפוח עץ גדול, אדום ומבריק.

"הוא חזר אל התחנה ומכל העומדים שם ניגש דווקא אל הבחורה.
הוא הושיט לה את התפוח ואמר לה: "קחי, זה בשבילך‭."‬
הבחורה הופתעה מאוד, לא מבינה מה הוא רוצה ממנה.
"בשבילי‭,"?‬ שאלה בתמיהה, "למה‭,"?‬ מבטאת בזה את סימן השאלה שעמד במוחם של כל הנוכחים בתחנה, שהאזינו דרוכים לדו-שיח שהתקיים שם.

האיש הרים את מבטו, הסתכל בעיניה, אמר לה בחיוך: "גם חווה לא ידעה שהיא עירומה עד שאכלה מהתפוח‭,"...‬ והלך.

jewboy » 6/6/2005 16:16

A man came to the rabbi. "Rabbi, my wife drives me nuts, I can't live
with her anymore."

"Ok," says the Rabbi, "you have to get
divorced."

"But Rabbi," cried the man, "I love her so much."

"So stay together," said the rabbi.

"But everytime I come home we start
fighting, it can't go on this way!"

"So get divorce."

"But what about the kids? I can't live
without my children."

"So stay together," said the rabbi.

"But our common life is a hell," said the man.

"You know what?" said the Rabbi, "become a Christian."

The man was shocked. "WHAT???? How will it solve the problem??"

"It won't," answered the Rabbi, "but then you'll drive some priest
nuts."

gishmoker » 6/6/2005 19:28

ס'אט מיר דערציילט אןך עלטערע איד פון לאגער, ער האט כמה פעמים געהערט ווי די דייטשן שרייען אויף אידן,
זי מוטער פיקער!

מאירקע » 6/6/2005 19:48

A True Story (A Nekamah)


>On a NW Airways flight from Atlanta, GA. a middle-aged, well to do woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a kipa (aka "yarmulka" in Yiddish).
>She called the attendant over to complain about her seating.
>
>"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.
>
>"You've sat me next to a Jew!! I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting person. Find me another seat!"
>"Please calm down Madam." the attendant replied.
>
>"The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."
>The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
>
>A few minutes later the attendant returns. The woman cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin.
>The flight attendant then says..."Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."
>
>Before the lady has a chance to respond, the attendant continues..."It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next to such a person."...
>
>With which, she turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat in first class ready for you..."
>At this point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the Jewish man walks up to the front of the plane.

מאירקע » 6/6/2005 19:49

A Jew is never completely lost from his people. A true
unbelievable stor...


>
>
>
> ?
>
> My Father and the Priest
> by Chana Weisberg
> A Jew is never completely lost from his people. A true unbelievable story.
>
> Almost 30 years ago, my father, Rabbi Dovid Schochet was asked to lecture
> to a group of Jewish and non-Jewish participants in the neighboring city
> of Buffalo. He decided to focus his lecture on the theme of charity, due
> to its universal application to both Jews and gentiles.
> My father began with the following story.
> A wealthy individual who never contributed to charity lived during the
> time of the Tosfos Yom Tov, a great Jewish sage. After this miser died,
> the Chevra Kaddisha (the society responsible for the burial and performing
> the rites on the body) felt that he was unworthy of being interned next to
> any upright and respectable individual and buried him, instead, in the
> area of the cemetery called hekdesh, reserved for society's outcasts and
> destitute.
> A few days after the funeral, a tumult developed in Krakow. The butcher
> and baker, two prominent members of the community, who had hitherto been
> extremely charitable, suddenly stopped distributing their funds. The poor
> people, who had relied on the benevolent pair for their sustenance, now
> were in a state of uproar. Emotions ran so deep that the matter was
> finally brought before the Tosfos Yom Tov.
> He asked the two why they had so abruptly terminated their worthy acts.
> They replied: "In the past this 'miser' would continuously supply us with
> funds for charity. He strongly warned us, however, not to disclose our
> source, since he wanted the great merit of performing the mitzvah in a
> hidden manner. Now that he is dead, unfortunately, we are no longer able
> to continue."
> Awed by the unassuming 'miser's' behavior, the Tosfos Yom Tov requested
> that he be buried next to this humble individual, even though this meant
> being interred in a disreputable section of the cemetery.
> As my father concluded his lecture, a participant from the audience, who
> happened to be a priest, approached him and requested that he repeat the
> story. My father suggested they meet the following day. Thinking that the
> matter would be forgotten, my father was surprised when, at the appointed
> hour, the priest actually arrived at my father's hotel.
> The priest, once again, pleaded with my father to repeat the story. My
> father obliged, but was astounded when, after concluding the story a
> second time, the priest seemed terribly distraught and begged him to
> repeat it, yet again.
> At this point, the priest was nervously pacing back and forth across the
> room. Finally, he divulged the reason for his agitation. He turned to my
> father and confessed, "Rabbi Schochet, that charitable man in the story
> was my ancestor."
> Skeptically, my father calmed the young man saying that there was
> absolutely no connection between him and the story, which took place
> hundreds of years ago. "Furthermore," he told him, "you are a gentile,
> while this man was Jewish."
> The priest looked intently at my father and whispered, "Rabbi, now I have
> a story to tell you!"
> He began by describing his background. He had grown up in the state of
> Tennessee. His father was a Major in the U.S. army during the Second World
> War. Overseas, in Europe, his father had met a Jewish girl and fell in
> love. He brought her back home as his war bride and no one knew of her
> background. A short time after their marriage, the couple was blessed with
> a child, whom they devoutly raised in the Catholic tradition. The child
> grew up and attended a Seminary where he eventually trained to become a
> priest.
> In his early adulthood, the priest's mother died prematurely. At her death
> bed, she disclosed her secret identity to her completely baffled son.
> After reciting the Shema prayer, she confessed, "I want you to know that
> you are Jewish." She informed him of his heritage and that his ancestor
> was buried next to a great sage called the Tosfos Yom Tov. She then
> recounted, almost verbatim, the story that my father had told in his
> lecture.
> At the time, the priest imagined that his mother was delirious. Although
> he felt uneasy by his mother's parting words, it was only a temporary,
> fleeting emotion. As he got on with his life, he soon forgot the entire
> episode and lost interest in the subject.
> "Rabbi," cried the priest, in a state of complete emotional upheaval, "you
> have just repeated this story, detail for detail. You have reminded me of
> my mother's parting words, and that the story must be true. Yet what am I
> to do? I am a reputable priest with a large congregation of devoted
> followers."
> My father offered to assist him in any way. He emphasized to him, however,
> that according to Judaism, he was indeed Jewish. He encouraged him to
> explore his heritage, and put him in contact with people in his city who
> could guide him. With that, the weary, newly-found Jew departed.
> My father had no future correspondence with this man, and heard no further
> from him.
> Several years ago, on a visit to Israel, a bearded, religious Jew
> approached my father at the Western Wall, the Kotel, and wished him,
> "Shalom Aleichem."
> My father didn't recognize the individual and was completely taken aback
> when the man exclaimed, "Don't you recognize me, Rabbi Schochet? I am the
> former priest whom you met in Buffalo!" He continued, "A Jew is never
> completely lost from his people."
> PS. My father recently discovered that he is a direct descendant of the
> Tosfos Yom Tov.
> At that auspicious juncture in time, in a hotel lobby in Buffalo, N.Y. a
> descendant of the Tosfos Yom Tov met with a descendant of the miser -- and
> miraculously changed the course of destiny.
>
>

מאירקע » 6/6/2005 20:01

computer widow



My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this internet communications thing, so
that
you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought
you
should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our
lives TWO YEARS AGO.
The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome
boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family
portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of
your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at
that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers
that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand
day
for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was
out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it
really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has
uh,
taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since II realized
that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you
sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last
spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes
in
the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is
taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do.
I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away,
she'll
keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your
desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a
lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often.
Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love, Your Wife

מאירקע » 6/6/2005 20:13

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy

this:

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to

the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a

Patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and

number?" Sarah Finkel, room 302."

I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station, How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment, let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing

very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine,

She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she

Continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at

noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's

wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close

family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit."



טובעין » 16/6/2005 02:09


> YOU HAVE 2 COWS:
>
> 1.SOCIALISM:
> You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.
>
> 2.COMMUNISM:
> You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
>
> 3.FASCISM:
> You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
>
> 4.NAZISM:
> You have 2 cows. The Government takes! both and shoots you.
>
> 5.BUREAUCRATISM:
> You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other
and
> throws the milk away...
>
> 6.TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
> You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and
> the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
>
> 7.AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of
> four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow dropped
> dead.
>
> 8.A FRENCH CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
>
> 9.A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
> ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever
> cow
> cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
>
> 10.A GERMAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once
> a month, and milk themselves.
>
> 11.AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> You break for lunch.
>
> 12.A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count
> them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you
> have 2 cows.
> You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
>
> 13.A SWISS CORPORATION:
> You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
> storing them.
>
> 14. A CHINESE CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
> employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported
> the numbers.
>
> 15.AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You worship them.
>
> 16.A BRITISH CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. Both are mad.
>
> 17. AN ANGOLAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You eat both and claim! for donation.
>

טובעין » 20/6/2005 21:24

הA "Strange" Lawyer Tale

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker
to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a
lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inion would be confusing, for
passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the
stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a
man who was both honest and a lawyer."

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they
would be certain to remark: "That's Stra

טובעין » 20/6/2005 21:26

George Bush, while visiting England, had tea with the Queen. He asked
her what her leadership philosophy was.
She said that it was to surround herself with intelligent people.
He asked her how she knows they are intelligent.
"I ask them the right questions" she replied, and demonstrated by
phoning Tony Blair. On the speaker phone she asked, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question for me. Your mother has a child, your father has a child,
but this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responded, "It's me, madam."
"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir." The Queen hung up and asked the
President, "Did you get that, Mr. President?"
"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning home he decided he'd better put some friends to the test.
He called Dick Cheney first and said, "Hi, Dick, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, Mr. President. What's on your mind?"
"Well, your mother has a child and your father has a child, but this
child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Cheney hemmed and hawed and finally asked if he could get back to him on
that.
Cheney hung up and immediately called members of his staff, who puzzled
over the question for several hours, but no answer.
Finally in desperation, Cheney called Colin Powell at the State Department and explained his problem. "Now look here, Colin. Your mother has a child, your father has a child, and this child is not your
brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answered immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot!" Much relieved, Cheney rushed to call Bush and exclaimed," I know the answer,sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
Bush replied in disgust. "You're wrong! t's Tony Blair!"


jewboy » 28/6/2005 21:44

.
[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]

jewboy » 28/6/2005 21:46

.
[בילד – נישט אפגעהיט]

jewboy » 7/7/2005 11:33

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the New Pope are in a
meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy
phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to God."

The Rabbi is skeptical...and the Pope notices. The Holy
Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, so indeed,
he is connected to God. The Rabbi holds a lengthy
discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says.
"Thank you very much. This is great! I want to pay for my
phone charges."

The Pope, of course, refuses. The Rabbi is steadfast and
finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on
the phone and says: "All right! The
charges are 100,000 lira." The Chief Rabbi gladly hands
over a packet of bills.

A few months later the Pope is in Jerusalem on an
official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a
phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct
line to God. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter
that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use
the Rabbi's phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the
Pope chats away.

After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone
charges. The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says:
"1 Shekel."

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!"

The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

טובעין » 9/9/2005 01:00

If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this.


My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBan k: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

shia550 » 24/9/2005 00:59

Gaza City AP

After relief groups successfully ended negotiations with the
U.S. about assistance for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Palestinian
spokesperson for the Red Crescent Society, Farouk El-Farouk has confirmed
their
nation's participation in the relief effort.



It was confirmed that at 9:15 this-morning, 4 plane-loads of

volunteers from Gaza and the West Bank left Amman,
bound for New Orleans to help with the looting.
בלאט: 1 2 3 4